It's december. The snow is falling down from the sky to cover the black streets and green fields. You are sitting in your and Niall's bedroom looking out of the window. It's 2am and Niall is fast asleep. You can't sleep. You don't want to sleep. You don't want to wake up to another day just to go through the same shit you go through every day. It's hard to care about anything when your world is falling down. The worst part is that no-one knows, not even Niall. You can't tell him, he wouldn't understand. He would take you to the psychiatrist and that's the last thing you need. You don't want to hurt him, it's more safe for him if he doesn't know. Besides, who would love someone who has a really bad depression, who cuts, who hates herself more than anything, someone who doesen't even want to live? Then again, in the end of the day Niall is the reason for you to still wake up to another day. You love him to death. He's your everything. You've been together for almost a year and things between you two are perfectly fine. He is the best boyfriend someone could ask for but the problem is that you don't deserve him. After about half an hour of just sitting there and staring outside you hear Niall waking up. "Hey babe, what are you doing there?" "Oh, nothing Niall.. I just couldn't sleep" You say with a tired voice. "Awwh Y/N, come here" He says tapping your side of the bed. You get up and slowly walk to the bed. You lay down next to him as he puts his arm around you and kisses your cheek: "Try to sleep love, good night." "Okay, good night Nialler" You say and close your eyes. You still have difficulties to fall asleep because your mind is trying to explode, but gladly you have Niall close to you.
Next day you wake up quite late, Niall is already awake and he has made breakfast for you two. You walk to the kitchen and sit down next to him. "Good morning princess" He says kissing you deeply. "Morning" You answer. He gives you a questioning look but you just ignore it. You feel horrible. All you want to do is scream your lungs off and hurt yourself. "So Y/N, you remember I told you a few days ago I got this day off?" He asks. "Yeah, what about it?" You say. "Well.. I kinda have to go to work today.. We need to record one more song and then I have two weeks off. I hope it's okay to you." "Yeah, it's fine Niall" You say munching your toast and staring into the floor. "Good, I have to leave in 20 minutes and I'll probably be back at 6pm" He says trying to get an eye connection with you but you just keep staring at the floor. "Okay." You say getting up from your chair but when you try to walk past Niall back to your bedroom he catches you by your wrist and gets up himself. "What Niall?" You ask tired. "Nothing.. I just wanted to say I love you more than anything" He answers stroking your cheek. "I love you too Niall" You tell him "But can I go back to bed now? I'm tired as hell." "Sure you can babe, I'm going to leave now." "Okay Niall" You say walking to your bedroom. "Call or text me if you need something, love you!" He shouts and walks out of the door. Finally you're alone. You bury yourself under the blankets and pillows which are in your bed and start thinking: "Is Niall guessing something? Does someone know about my situation and has told Niall about it? Oh god I need to do something to myself, I can't live like this for the rest of my life. I can't live like this and I'm not going to get help so this won't get any better.. Only option I have is to...kill myself. No. I can't do that, I don't have enough courage. But then again, who would even miss me? Niall will get over me as soon as he got Demi, my family doesn't even love me and my friends have left me. I really have nothing to lose. Even directioners hate me! I'm useless and stupid.." Your mind is running faster than ever. You're panicking and that's why you need to get up and get a glass of water. You decide to take a look at twitter. It may not be the best idea but that's what you do. You start reading your mentions even though you know you shouldn't. "@Y/T/N Die, you stupid whore." "Guess what? @Y/T/N is a fat slut who only cares about Niall's money. D.I.E!!!" "I have no idea why Niall even is with @Y/T/N ! Look at her! I've never seen someone that ugly!" "That whore @Y/T/N stole my man, I'm going to rip her head off when I meet her!" Quickly you find yourself sobbing like crazy but still you continue reading. "Fat. Ugly. Whore. Who? Well, @Y/T/N!" "@Y/T/N You fucking bitch what do you think you're doing with Ni? I'm going to kill you!" "@Y/T/N Die! No-one will miss you!" "Why is @Y/T/N alive? Simply just to kill herself!" "@Y/T/N Even a pig is prettier than you!" As you roll further your mentions just gets worse. "Let's hunt @Y/T/N down and then show her what is the rollercoaster of life!" The hate is getting to you more than before but you just can't stop reading. You cry more than ever as you throw your phone away. You break down and run to your bathroom, throw all of the medicine cans on the floor trying to find your razor. It's not there. You run back to your bedroom. It's not there either. You start to cry even more. You run outside to you trash bin and turn it around. You can't find it. You start screaming like hell and run back inside. You are all wet because of the snow but you really don't care. All you care about is cutting. You need to feel the pain that cleans your mind. You want to see your blood flowing everywhere. You want to die. Because you can't find your razor you decide to break one of Niall's razorblades. You put all of your strenght together and throw it on the floor. It breaks and now you have a new razor. Quickly you swipe away the tears from your cheeks and press the razor to your wrist. Slowly you make the first cut. Not that deep cut it's still a cut. It's time for the next cut. It goes a bit deeper. You're making the third cut as you hear the front door opening and Niall shouting hello to you. At that moment you cut too deep and give out a little whine. "Y/N, where are you? Are you okay? I heard that!" Niall shouts. You just sit there blood running down your arms not making a noise. Niall quickly runs to the bathroom door and slowly opens it. His face changes at the moment he sees you.
"OMG Y/N WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE!?" "Y/N CAN YOU HEAR ME!?" Niall shouts running to you. You don't even blink, just watch the blood running down on the floor. He hugs you tight as you cry. "I'm so-sorry Ni, I-I-I really am.." You stutter. He slowly caresses your back telling it's okay. He helps you stand up and walks you to the sink. All you can do is cry quietly as he cleans your cuts and covers them up with patches. Then he picks you up and carries you to your bedroom. He lays you down and puts a blanket on you and then comes and lays next to you. "Babe.." Niall says quietly. You just start crying more and bury your head into his chest. "You could've told me you were feeling bad..." He continues. "I-I know Niall, but I w-was afraid y-y-you wouldn't u-understa-and" You stuttered between tears. "Of course I understand you Y/N! It's driving me crazy to know you've been suffering all by yourself when I've been right next to you." He says starting to sob. "I-I-I just didn't want to hurt you!" You cry to him. "It hurts me way more to know you can't talk to me about this. Now, tell me please what's this all about. I promise I'll understand." Niall assures you. "You promise you're not going to leave me, and you'll love me just as much as before?" You ask hugging him tight. "Of course, you silly girl!" He laughs a little. "Well I've just been so depressed because of all the hate I get from your fans and it's just hard for me to handle this all.." You tell trying not to break down again. "And I feel like I don't deserve you because you are an amazing boyfriend and I'm just a stupid depressed piece of poo.. How could I deserve you? You deserve so much better than I am..." You say sobbing. Niall looks you right in the eyes telling: "Y/N, first of all I'm so fucking sorry for our fans, I promise to make it stop. Second of all, you think you don't deserve me? Are you kidding me. I don't deserve you! You are the most amazing persone I've ever, EVER, met. You are like an angel, the most beautiful, breathtaking creature on earth. I hope you know how much I love you because the truth is, I'd be lost without you. I have no idea how I was so lucky to get you and I will never let go. You mean the world to me Y/N, I love you." "Oh Niall I love you too, more than anything! I promise not to do this ever again." You say pressing your lips to his. You two share a long, deep kiss, both crying. After a moment Niall wipes away your tears and says: "Y/N we'll get through this, together. Believe me" and kisses you again. You fall asleep and when you wake up you start a battle against depression but you're stronger than ever, because you have Niall by your side. From that moment to forever.
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Okay so this was the first thing I wrote in about 6 months so don't judge me too much. It was kinda hard to write. I'm really sorry if there's typos or grammar mistakes, but I'm not english so yeah.
Remember my dear, if you even feel like you need to talk, I'm always here. Tweet me @jennaHEARTniall and we'll figure out a way to chat in private. You should never be alone, and believe me when I say I know how you feel, I've been there and I still am.
Thank you for reading this imagine! Feedback is appreciated :D
